Kid Speak

How we knew our four-year-old was spending too much time with his great-grandmother:

• He blamed his fatigue after running around the park on his “blood pressure.”
• He became FASCINATED with the weather report (ABC7 Chicago's Jerry Taft, specifically).
• After inspecting a bruise on his knee, he questioned whether his “coumadin level” was too high. (Note: He didn’t say “blood thinner”; he said “coumadin.” Apparently, he prefers certain brands of medication.)
• He asked if he could watch “Wheel of Fortune.”

Bathroom Humor:
“Dad, I have to go poo poo, and my arms are too tired….” –after Scott installed a light in the bathroom that detects movement…but turns off every 30 seconds if someone is sitting still. (Scott told him to keep flapping his arms until the steaks were off the grill.)


(How Josh got Scott back for the sensor light in the bathroom.)
Josh: I put the toilet paper in the toilet.
Scott: Good boy!
Josh: I just can’t get the little roll to go down the drain….
Scott: WHAT??

How We Knew It Was Time For The Stranger Danger Talk:

(Shouted through shower curtain)

Josh: Mommy, there’s a man at the door!

Me: That’s okay, honey. Don’t open the door. If it’s important, he’ll come back later, after I’m out of the shower.

Josh: I already opened the door.

Me: WHAT??

Josh: He wants to know if we need our trees trimmed.

Me: WHAT??

Josh: I told him to wait and ask you when you get out of the shower.

Me: WHAT??

Josh: He said he didn’t want to come in and is just standing by the door. Can I ask him to watch cartoons with me?

Me: NO!!

On Gender:

• Age 2, while attempting to pull down my swimsuit bottoms in the locker room at the pool: “MaMa, I see a furry kitty in there!”
  
• Age 3, announced upon entering a crowded train car: “Hi, everybody! I have a penis, and my mommy has a vagina! Don’t you, Mommy? She does! She has a vagina!” (Some people actually responded to his enthusiasm for genitals by clapping.)

On Style and Fashion:
(Age 3, upon sitting across from a woman on the train with a penchant for brightly colored eye shadow)
Josh: You have pretty make-up!

Woman: Why, thank you!

Josh: It’s so many beautiful colors….but why did you smear all of them all over your face?? Mommy, you better wash her face--

Me: --Shhhhhh!

Josh: But, Mommy, look at her FACE! There’s too many colors!

Me: Shhhhhh!

(While inspecting Mommy’s new geometric print dress)
Me: What do you think? Do I look pretty?

Josh: Hmmmmmm…turn around.

Me: (revolving in front of 4 year old) Well?

Josh: Just what I thought. Too many dots. You better change. You make me dizzy.

Me: Geesh!

Josh: Hurry and change. I feel sick.

Upon being told he couldn’t have an M&M last Sunday morning:
“Mommy, I brush my teeth, I go pee and poo poo in the toilet, I sort the silverware (from the dishwasher) and put it away in the drawer, I put my clothes on all by myself, I put on my sandals all by myself, I put Noah’s poopy diapers in the garbage when you change him, and I take baths even when I don’t want to! WHY CAN’T I HAVE ONE LITTLE M&M??” (He got the M&M.)