We're In Trouble Now (AKA: Going Mo-bile)

Noah has learned to walk. It’s amazing how only last week he was Earth-bound, and now he’s experiencing such freedom. It happened suddenly, too. He’d been cruising around holding on to furniture for quite some time. Then, yesterday, he let go and walked right across the room! He didn’t even test out his balance. There was no taking a few tentative steps along the soft couch in case he needed to grab on to something for support. He just let go and headed right for the hard wood floor. Everything about his diminutive stance said, “If I’m going to do this, I’m going all the way!”

Lesson learned: If you want something, quit being a pussy and just do it.

Sigh...I need to apply my 12 month old's knowledge to my new healthy eating regime. Man, nothing bites deeper than when your INFANT shows you that taking baby steps is not the answer.

Scott Hates Sarah J.

Last night was one of those rare moments when Scott and I were able to get both kids down for the night without feeling as though we, too, had to stumble in the direction of our own pillows. We both felt as though we had enough energy to sprawl on the couch and stare blankly in the direction of the television, which is how we ended up watching Failure to Launch, a romantic comedy featuring Matthew McConaughey and Sarah Jessica Parker. (By the way, I take back what I previously posted about Matthew. He may have a very nice looking chest, but he’s got some sort of weird eye thing going on that nixes our fantasy love affair. Besides, my heart belongs to Scott.) [<--Can’t be too careful with my birthday approaching, can I??] It was then that I found out that my husband has a deep-seated dislike for Sarah J.

“She has weird lips.”
“Her face is too long.”
“Her voice sounds like the whine of a power saw.”
“She has ‘man hands.’”
“She’s kind of wrinkled. Too much sun exposure in her youth.”
“Are those moles on her chin or two big zits?”

Scott went on and on.

Okay, I am not one of those who jumped on the Sex and the City bandwagon, so I consider myself fairly unbiased where Sarah J. is concerned. In fact, I associate her with Square Pegs--which dates me, I know. While I can see Scott’s point about the man hands (seriously, check them out—very masculine—she could palm a regulation basketball), I don’t think Sarah J. quite deserves the diatribe Scott threw her way. Sarah Jessica Parker strikes me as a woman who has done a lot with what she was born. For example, that nose doesn’t look altered. (*cough* Don’t look too closely at mine…. *cough*) Those lips don’t scream “injected with my own butt fat.” And you have to respect someone comfortable enough in her own skin that she doesn’t remove those moles. And you hardly notice the man hands because she plays up her good features: hair and eyes.

So, here’s to the people who make the most of what they’ve got! To the men with beer bellies and great hair, or baldness and kind souls. To women with small breasts and great senses of humor, or large thighs and big hearts.

Shine on, Sarah J. Shine on….

Healthy Eating: Day 2

I may be going through withdrawal.

I have a headache and am perpetually annoyed by everyone around me. One of my coworkers said good morning, and it was all I could do to keep from grabbing him by the throat and screaming, “Good morning?? I ate organic oatmeal for breakfast, which means someone else is eating my Starbucks scone! MY scone! Mine!” (Apparently part of fast food withdrawal involves regressing to the mentality of a two year old.)

In short, day two is going as well as can be expected. I just hope the “Oooooh-I-feel-so-healthy-and-full-of-energy” phase one of my hale and hearty coworkers keeps talking about kicks in soon or someone may be in danger. Probably said coworker. The poor healthy dear.

Healthy eating has proved to be more of a challenge than I anticipated. The increase in water consumption keeps me running to the bathroom once an hour. This leaves me one ill-timed sneeze away from utter disaster. Further, I have sacrificed my quick and easy morning scone for exploding oatmeal and my daily cheeseburgers/fries for low-fat casseroles/naval oranges.

Speaking of naval oranges….

Um, hello? Orange growers? Want to increase sales, like, a thousand percent? Cross breed an orange with a zipper. Or an orange with a ziplock. You may even want to try Velcro. I broke a nail trying to gain access to the fleshy portion of my naval orange. Healthy eaters should not have to suffer so. My nails and my healthy coworker’s life are in your hands, orange growers. Let’s put a wiggle in citrus genetic mutations, shall we?

Good Morning?

I woke up to the sound of the thunder and rain that would later turn my perfectly coiffed blow dry into a swamp of auburn weeds reminiscent of something one of the witches would sport in Macbeth. After arriving at work, I enthusiastically stepped forward into my first day of healthier eating by making some organic oatmeal in the office microwave rather than purchasing my usual blueberry scone at Starbucks. However, when I opened the door of said appliance, I immediately noticed that the inside of the microwave had splatters of a brown crusty substance and smelled very much like a horse. (Clearly, my coworkers are into exotic food choices.) While my oatmeal began to nuke, I pondered when the last time this barnyard smelling domestic device was last cleaned and by whom. That was when I noticed my cup of oatmeal runneth over, so to speak.

Guess who became the next cleaner of the horsy-smelling microwave?

I dragged the oversized glass microwave turntable down to the nearest bathroom and attempted to clean the sticky oatmeal and burnt horse off of it using tepid water and paper towels, the only supplies available. Unfortunately, the sink was much too small to accommodate the turntable, so I removed most of the gunk with my fingernails. Bye bye, manicure. After replacing the now de-horsed and de-oatmealed plate to the microwave, I returned to the bathroom to attempt to take care of the horse-meal mess clogging up the drain in the bathroom sink. ONLY THE SINKS IN MY BUILDING TURN ON AUTOMATICALLY, reducing my cleaning attempts to feeble swipes with paper towels before the automatic faucet sprayed me yet again. This left me with only one option: outsmart the automatic sink.

It turns out that in a battle with automated plumbing I am fairly well matched.

JUMP OUT
SWIPE
JUMP BACK
WATER SPRAY

JUMP OUT
SWIPE
JUMP BACK
WATER SPRAY

I think I now understand why healthy eating is so good for the body. Not only was I left with approximately HALF of my oatmeal portion, but I got a good workout.

How was YOUR morning?