Be Late.

I am always late. ALWAYS. This used to bother me-- and occasionally it still does--however, I think I am resigning myself to the fact that I will never, ever be anywhere on time.

I vaguely remember showing up to places on time in my youth. The marching band I was in during high school required that I be present early, not on time. “Early is on time; on time is late” was the phrase I think the director intoned. He hardly ever screamed in my direction over lateness (though he did for lots of other things), so it stands to reason that I got there within the window of acceptability.

Since that time, however, I have lost my drive for perfection in the “on time” realm. I think the change happened with the birth of my children. No matter how hard I tried, I could never be anywhere close to on time with my kids. Let’s say we had a 10 am pediatrician appointment. I would start our morning ritual at 6 am, giving us lots of flex time, only to have some vomiting/poop/pee pee/Mommy-I-can’t-find-my…./some sort of discomfort emergency halt my forward progress at the worst possible moment, which would inevitably result in our showing up sweating and panting for breath twenty minutes late.

I’ve learned that showing up late has lots of advantages. I rarely end up waiting in line anymore. Sometimes I even get discounts for purchasing things at the last moment, like airline tickets and hotel rooms. Last week, a theatre manager even gave me a pro-bono movie viewing because the movie had already started. Better yet, I virtually miss all of the pre-game T-ball drama for my son’s team! Showing up late to social events has been a dream; I don’t have to deal with awkward small-talk nearly as often, and don’t get asked to help set things up or volunteer for the next event anymore. Moreover, I get to make an entrance and show off my fabulous shoe wear, which otherwise might have gone unnoticed had I arrived as part of the gaggle of on-timers.

You may like to try lateness for yourself. If you are new to lateness, you may find yourself anxious at first. This is normal, especially if you come from an anal-retentive family or rub elbows with type-A personalities. You just have to muscle your way past the anxiety. It may help if you get yourself ready on time and then lounge in a chair. Maybe read for twenty minutes. Listen to some music. If you can avoid watching the clock, do. If not, resolve yourself to watching the clock while doing something pleasant, like talking on the phone to a good friend or surfing the net for shoe wear. (http://www.zappos.com/. You won’t regret it.) Maybe make yourself something to eat, rather than rushing through the drive-thru at a fast food restaurant. Perhaps meditate. The important thing is to ease oneself into lateness. If you go too quickly, you’ll end up driving erratically and showing up frazzled and panting for breath at your destination (as I used to at pediatrician appointments). Best to go slow and pace yourself. Don’t even try to get to your destination on time. Drive slow. Look at the scenery. Surf the radio for good music.

Soon enough, people will adjust to your new schedule and make allowances for you. They will start telling you that events start a half hour before they actually begin in an effort to get you there on time and rope you into helping set up or pressure you into hosting the next event. (This is why people are asked to show up earlier and earlier for airline flights. I am constantly amazed that people actually DO show up two hours before the flight is scheduled to depart. First, flights rarely, if ever, depart on time. Second, people who show up early must have nothing good to do. I’d rather float around the hotel pool for an extra half hour than spend it waiting for my delayed flight in a hard plastic chair next to the departure gate.) When this occurs, you will have to step up your lateness regime. Move your lateness schedule forward another twenty minutes. You can’t let those on-timers manipulate you like that. Why, there have even been times when I’ve been forced to move up my lateness schedule a whole hour. I get a good nap on those days.

You may feel compelled to explain your lateness when arriving at your destination. Don’t. Just wave it off. That’s just guilt trying to rope you back into being on-time. If you listen to that guilt, you’ll just end up waiting in lines all over again. If you must say something, a simple, “I got caught up in something and was running late,” will suffice. You don’t have to explain that you got caught up shoe shopping or floating around the pool. If you do that, everyone will want to show up late and then you’ll have to push back your lateness schedule even further to avoid the on-time drudgery.

Try lateness for your next appointment. You won’t be disappointed.








(for Lauren)