Welcome to the Monkey House

(The final 3 Postpartum Surprises will be featured next week.)

Dante totally missed out when he wrote The Divine Comedy. He only identified nine circles of Hell. He is missing the tenth, and most vital layer in Inferno. That layer is called “The Family Car Trip.”

I don’t know how it happened. One minute I was blithely having dinner with some friends while our offspring rough-housed in the next room. The next minute I was agreeing to drive over the state line with my husband, three year old, and four month old to stay for two nights at a "family friendly" resort with multiple indoor pools. The wine must have gone right to my head after nine months of abstinence. That can be the only explanation for my poor judgment. I mean, really? A four month old and a three year old? A car trip across state lines? Appear in a bathing suit 4 months postpartum? Two nights away from the conveniences of home? I must have been out of my mind.

You already know how I love to text. I think the text messages I sent to my near and dear best document our decent onto madness:

11:04 am: Driving to Wisconsin. Josh is kicking the back of my seat and singing about bodily functions. Mom—I mean this sincerely—thank you for never kicking me out of the car during one of our vacations.

12:37 pm: Went through McD's drivethru. Josh's Happy Meal has already exploded all over the back seat. Thank God the seats are leather and black. My throat hurts. I'm not sure if the fries I am frantically trying to pick up off the floor as Scott concentrates on the road are from THIS McD's visit or LAST WEEK'S McD's visit. Do McDonald's fries go bad? Eh...Josh is already eating them....

1:17 pm: OMG! Still in car. Third stop in two hours. We will never get there. Baby crying. Potty breaks. Daddy needs caffeine and aspirin. I think I might be getting a sinus infection. Josh keeps asking when we will get there. I WANT TO KNOW WHEN WE WILL GET THERE! This trip sucks so far.... Scott must be taking some sort of scenic route. SAVE ME….

2:41 pm: How much you want to bet that this turns out like National Lampoon’s Vacation and the resort is closed when we get there?!

3:07 pm: Would you believe Josh has to go potty AGAIN? I say he has to hold it. Scott is freaking out because he doesn’t want to risk calling this bluff because his leather seats are at stake. It’s a game of Potty Chicken and Josh is going to win it. This 3 hour drive has been OVER 4 hours! Looking for a rest stop….

3:48 pm: Now we need to stop for gas. This is ridiculous….

4:11 pm: Son of a—we are stopping AGAIN! He has to pee AGAIN! Why didn’t he think of this when we stopped for gas?? The kid can hold it through a full length movie but cross a state line and he needs to pee in every gas station toilet!

4:43 pm: We’re lost. LOST! Farging GPS! Ugh. Baby is howling. Need a Xanax.

4:46 pm: We are stopping at a gas station to get directions. Are there ANY gas stations I haven’t been to in Wisconsin??

4:52 pm: Since we’ve stopped for directions, I am going to give Noah a bottle. Scott is giving Josh a tour of yet another bathroom just to keep him occupied and stretch his legs. I wonder, would Josh be this fascinated with gas station rest rooms if we had a urinal installed at home?

5:02 pm: Noah spit up in my pants. Yes, IN my pants. I don’t know how this happened. My underwear is wet. Scott keeps complaining that his neck and shoulders ache. I just bought 2 bottles of wine from a GAS STATION. I have hit the bottom.

5:22 pm: (In response to SIL's text) NO, Michelle! WE AREN’T THERE YET! If you mock me one more time, I will make YOU host Thanksgiving at YOUR HOUSE next year. Oh boy, both boys just fell asleep. This probably means we are almost there….

5:31 pm: We are here. Finally. The dinner theatre across the street reads ELVIS: ECHOES OF A LEGEND. I have died and gone to Vegas…. I am definitely sick now. My head is totally congested. It is freezing cold here. Noah’s crying sounds like, “Whyyyyyyyyy?!” Why indeed, little man. Why indeed….

7:17 am: The older boys loved the indoor water park and playground, which is good. But I think I’ve had some sort of breakdown—one of my eyes keeps twitching. Josh was so wound up, he didn’t get to sleep until one in the morning. ONE IN THE MORNING. That was when I thought of the gas station wine. Mmmmmm…a nice Styrofoam cup (that is all the hotel has for guests to use in their rooms) of wine would be very relaxing after our long day. I pulled out the wine and cup—and that is when I realized that I didn’t have a bottle opener…. Did I mention my TWITCHING EYE??