I Found Jesus...in Wal-Mart

Okay, Okay! It’s June 12th! After weeks away, I just checked my recent posts and, clearly, I should have been more specific than just saying I'd return "in June." No, I didn't mean June 2009. My bad. But, hey, when I’ve made a blogging faux pas, I admit it. So, here I am admitting my faux pas to the world: I wasn’t specific, World, and that was an error on my part! I apologize from the depths of my being. Please accept my act of contrition. (But it sure is nice to know I’m loved! I should go on hiatus more often!)

My schedule is ALMOST free. I am coming off of a very, very busy two months, and I have the stress acne and the eczema to prove it. The play (Up the Down Staircase, for you theatre-goers) went very well. All the people I worked with were good people, which makes the process so much more enjoyable. Further, I finished teaching my courses on Friday, and that wraps up the bulk of my work-related responsibilities for a couple of weeks. I have not started taking my own grad school courses, yet, but I am looking forward to them…in as much as a mother of two young children can look forward to taking two courses at a university over an hour away from her home. In the mean time, I am happy to have found a moment where I can blog completely unencumbered, or rather minimally encumbered since the nine-month-old is sitting on my lap and chewing on the power cord. (Yes, I stopped him. No need to call DCFS, thank you.) Thank goodness for this semi-respite, because I simply had to make a quick post about my recent trip to Wal-Mart.

When picking up large items at Wal-Mart, one must go to the back of the store to obtain said item. (In my case, the item was a flat screen television. I lived for years under the delusion that I did not need HDTV. Then, I saw Matthew McConaughey on my friend’s large screen HDTV and realized the error of my ways. Oh, Matthew, you are so rugged. If only you showered more often and deigned to use deodorant, I just know we could be special friends—in the platonic way that married women are friends with hunky movie stars, which is to say that this friendship would be much easier on me if you were gay.) While waiting for my Vizio to be brought out (nice television, by the way, in case you are looking), I couldn’t help but notice a return sitting on the counter: a twelve inch tall Jesus Christ action figure.

This struck me as odd for several reasons. First, the box read “JESUS” in big letters, with the subtitle “Son of God” in small font beneath. (Perhaps this subtitle was necessary in case a consumer mistook this action figure for some OTHER Jesus?) Further, I couldn’t help but notice that Jesus had special kung fu action grip. (Jesus is a big martial arts fan? Who knew?) Jesus also spoke. If you pressed a button on his back, he recited 26 biblical verses. There was also a prayer book included, so Jesus doll owners (Can one own Jesus??) can read along as Jesus speaks. Strangely, Jesus also had ENORMOUS pectoral muscles. E-N-O-R-M-O-U-S. Not large, not well proportioned, not “Wow, Jesus! Have you been lifting weights lately?” I’m talking hugely disproportionate to the rest of the body. In short, Jesus looked as though he were on steroids. (Perhaps the makers of the toy had been hanging out with Barry Bonds lately?) Disconcertingly, the eyes of the action figure looked a little…intense, and the face looked a little…unfriendly. Picture the large G.I. Joe action figures with longer hair, a beard, and a rough toga, and you are picturing the kung fu action grip/fully pose-able Jesus doll. Actually, based on his physique, Jesus would have easily been able to take G.I. Joe. No contest.

Perhaps what surprised me the most was that Jesus was a return. I mean, despite the imposing figure of the doll, I still picture returning Jesus to be a difficult task, regardless of one’s religious beliefs. This made me ponder how exactly does one return Jesus? Does one feel compelled to explain to the cashier why Jesus had to go back to the store? If so, what does one say? For those of us in the uncomfortable spot of returning Jesus to Wal-Mart, I offer the following explanations to ease you through what may be an awkward moment:

“Hi. I’ve already found Jesus. Here’s my receipt.”

“I have a return here. My name is Silverman. I obviously received Jesus in error.”

“Let me get this straight, Jesus rose from the dead after three days and someone shrink wrapped him?? Talk about a bad week! Heh, heh, heh. I’ll take a store credit, please.”

“I thought this was Jesus (pronounced “hey-soos”) the WWF wrestling action figure. I mean, look at those pectorals! It’s an easy mistake to make. And the words “Son of God” are in such a small font on the front of the box. Something should really be done about that. I’ll take cash back, thank you.”

“Someone already gave me Jesus. Do you have a Moses? Maybe a Luke? Are there any John’s in the back? Perhaps we could make an exchange?”


I had to wait awhile for the television to be brought up to the front, so I spent quite a long time hanging with J.C. I got to know his guiding principles fairly well because, interestingly enough, every person who walked into the pick-up/returns/exchanges center felt compelled to play with Jesus. We’re talking about twenty-plus people. Everyone walked in, witnessed Jesus on the counter, looked around to see if anyone was looking (I busied myself with something on the baby’s stroller in order to look inconspicuous.), and then played with Jesus. Over and over again he told us all to love others as we love ourselves. After a while, it started to sink in….

This is why I am treating myself to a spa day on Saturday. The way I see it, Jesus means that all of humanity will benefit if we are super nice to ourselves. I don’t want to love others the way I’ve been loving myself lately because I’ve been way over committed to too many projects and, let’s face it, my skin looks terrible and my feet need a pedicure in the worst way. Humanity deserves better than what I’ve been doing to myself, or we may ALL end up with eczema and bunions! I mean, I can’t walk out in public in sandals for fear that people will recoil in horror at my calloused heels. If I loved others the way I loved myself, all of humanity would have to deal with cracked and dry foot pads and ulcers! No, I can’t do that to the world. Humanity deserves a pumpkin-wrapped pedicure. In fact, humanity may deserve one of those hot stone massages I keep hearing so much about. And what, pray tell, are seaweed herbal wraps and alpha-hydroxy facials ? I want to know. Heck, Jesus wants me to know! You can’t argue with Jesus.

In all seriousness, what I’ve learned in the last two months is that I would never treat humanity the way I’ve been treating myself. I’ve strung myself out. Too many strung out people means a stressed out, unhappy world. I propose that humanity take a vacation. Everyone should do something nice for himself/herself. Think of the long term consequences: Everyone would be in a better mood and more patient with one another. So, go ahead and take a little time for YOU in the next few days. I say it’s okay…and so does Jesus!