Regrets Only

Regret is a wasted emotion, I’ve been told. And I agree. Why waste good energy on regret when revenge is so much more productive, right? (I kid, I kid! …Or do I??) Still, enlightened though I am, there are a few things I do regret:

• I regret that I cannot find reruns of Moonlighting on cable.
• I regret that I haven’t flossed since…um, ever. (I realize some of you are gagging and clawing at your throats right now, but it is true. I never floss. I do gargle and swish with a special medicated rinse, however. I know it’s not the same, but jamming my fingers half way down my throat in order to get those back molars makes me want to hurl. Oh, sure, I’ll tell my dentist, "I’ll start flossing this time, I swear!" But I never do. There are two things in my life that I know I ought to do, but I simply refuse: a. give up coffee and, b. floss. Don’t try to change my mind; it can’t be done. Those are my vices. It is what it is.)
• I regret that I didn’t discover raspberry-chocolate crème brulee until my mid-20’s. (Just think of all those wasted years eating bland flan!)
• I regret over-scheduling myself until June.

This last point demands a little explanation. Despite the fact that I know the next six weeks will be amongst the most hectic at work, and my house and yard are desperate for a really good spring cleaning, and my son’s fourth birthday is rapidly approaching (He wants to have friends at this one. Pray for me.), and Mother’s Day is looming large on the horizon (and my mom demands a good present this year after I've "maligned her" in my blog...but--come on!-- she gave my son orange juice after he'd vomited for four days! Did she think I wasn't going to blog about that??), and the baby is at that dangerous just beginning to be mobile stage, and my husband is busy with his job, and I’ve just signed up for classes to finish a second Masters--despite ALL OF THIS I took on assisting with the directing of a local play.

Before you feel the slightest pang of sympathy for me, let me assure you that I am not being completely altruistic—I do get paid (a couple of cents a minute). Still, this means I have less time for doing something I really, really love: blogging. If you’ve noticed that my posts have dwindled over the last two weeks, this is one of the reasons why. AND I’m not going to find any relief until June. (She typed, as she fell back in her chair and threw an arm over her eyes in consternation and despair.) So, I feel like I’m not being a very good blogger and that I am losing touch with all of my cool blog friends, and I regret that. I regret not being able to return emails and having to rush around all the time and feed my family nothing but fast food (Um, actually this is sort of the norm around here, but I’ll pretend this is due to my recent scheduling snafu in order to not look like a completely lazy mom. After all, Mother’s Day IS on the way, and I don’t want to write myself out of a present... especially since Scott is a little miffed about my “Let. There. Be. LIGHT.” post. He says I exaggerated his electricity hoarding mania. As though it is even possible to exaggerate something like that.) [eye roll] (Ooooh, hang on a second. I'm noticing a theme with people around me becoming annoyed about my posts. Could they possibly have a point about public criticism? Naaaaaaaah!).

So, I send my regrets to you along with a warning that my posts will be less frequent until June. Eh. Life happens, right?

But there is always an upside! A silver lining, so to speak. And here it is: we can take this opportunity to commune over our shared regrets. In fact, it is entirely possible that we can grow closer as we air our dismays. Better, we might even be able to leave go of our laments and move on after our ritual airing of the regrets. Who knows? This thing may catch on! It may become an international holiday: "Regret Wednesday!" I mean, if that Scientology silent birth thing was bought into by Katie Holmes, there is no telling how many people will want to participate in "Regret Wednesday!" All it will take is a little marketing. We'll have to make decorations and start some traditions for our special day. I'm thinking some themed food may be in order, too. And no holiday is complete without a few songs commemorating the meaning of the day. I'm thinking no songs scream regret like "Yesterday" (Beatles), "My Way" (Sinatra), "Me and Bobby McGee" (Janis Joplin), "If I Could Turn Back Tiiiiii-iiiiiiime" (Cher), "Margaritaville" (Jimmy Buffet), and "Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone" (Bill Withers).

Possibly you, too, regret the loss of an 80’s television show (New Hart, perhaps??)? Maybe your regret is even deeper than that. Bad hair cut? Bad relationship? That high school year book photo you should have gotten up earlier and prepared for? That pint of Ben and Jerry’s? Those TWO pints of Ben and Jerry’s? Your first time? Your second time? That time you made out with your friend’s significant other? Maybe you’ve yet to discover crème brulee (gasp!)? Go ahead and air your dirty laundry. What is it that’s holding you back? Dump it here. Extra points for pairing a song with your regret.