My husband did it again. He messed with our light bulbs.
For the past twelve years, Scott and I have had a recurring marital mêlée concerning our light switches. I like them in the “on” position; he likes them in the “off” position. This usually results in Scott chasing after me every night (not in the good way you might imagine) flipping off switches and grumbling. While I think rooms filled with light look cheery and warm, Scott sees my decorative sconces as equivalent to luminescent-financial-waste-makers. The man doesn’t even use a light to read by. Rather, he uses a handheld digital reading device with an incandescent monitor and downloads texts to it. In fact, now that I think about it, Scott shuns all illumination by drawing blackout blinds over the windows and wearing an eye mask to bed. (In all seriousness, I can envision Scott attempting to persuade the Eloi in The Time Machine that their candles and wood fires are wasteful, and it would be better for them to just huddle in the dark with the cannibalistic Morlocks.) Why a man who routinely wastes food by turning up his nose at leftovers, throws away paper goods rather than recycling, and willingly wastes gas by driving miles out of his way to demo a new computer gadget would criticize my homey lights, I have no idea. But there it is.
The current debacle centers around the bathroom light. The switch is located above a counter, which is why I did not see Scott’s strategic light-switch-chess-move coming. Scott casually mentioned over dinner that the three year old is not tall enough to reach the switch because the counter is in the way. I, like a chump, dumbly nodded as Scott explained that he could install a light switch that reacts to movement. Lord help me, I think I even applauded his resourcefulness.
It is this movement sensoring light switch that is responsible for my sore shoulder and possible tennis elbow.
If there is no movement in the bathroom for more than thirty seconds, the switch cuts the power to the lights. While this may work well for men and boys who pee standing up (and in many cases swing around wildly, spraying the seat, walls, and floor), for a woman who may take longer than thirty seconds to demurely relieve herself while in a seated position, this is a problem. I have to jerk my arm up in the air every twenty-nine seconds in order to see what I’m doing. Otherwise, I will be plunged into darkness part way through doing my business. Compounding this issue is the fact that I am an avid coffee drinker. I mean, there is the very real possibility that I may tear a rotator cuff! And God help me if I want to read while taking a hot bath-- I’ll be twitching and spasming twice a minute as I “relax.”
This isn’t over, Electricity Savings Man. I may be in check, but I’m gunning for your king. I feel a check mate a’ comin’….
12 comments:
Sooo Glad You Are Back!! I am totally with you on the light and cheery front. My husband is the same way as your husband...he has my kids doing push ups every time they leave a room with the light on. The good new is our power bill went down and our kids are now very strong!! Since he is their PE teacher, this is a win win for him.
Still laughing at your comments, I offer this little bit of wisdom: My husband, electrician of 45 years, has always said it takes more electricity to turn a switch on and off regularly than it does to leave it on.
There it is...truth from an old electrician's wife (the electrician is old; I, however, look very young for my age...I hear fat does that for you because there are no wrinkles, only folds). Take that, husband of Trish!
And because you are such a delightful audience, Trish, I will tell you this brief story. When we worked together, I had a master key, which got me into the locked bathroom by the auditorium (among other places, of course). Being the intensely private person I am, I always used that bathroom (that and because it was always clean from not being used). Imagine my surprise one day as I was sitting there, calmly minding my own business (in addition to doing my own business), when the lights suddenly went out. Pitch black. Huge bathroom. I quickly finished, jumped up, and voila, the lights went on.
From that day forward, every time I used that bathroom, I had to wave my arm and hand back and forth in the air to get the lights back on.
All in all, it wasn't too bad. Three busses and two cabs stopped to see if I needed anything.
I say you turn the lights off on him when he's doing something he needs to be able to see...he'll be so flummoxed by you being good and turning off the light at such an inopportune time, he won't know whether to congratulate you or cuss you out.
Well, that's just the dumbest light switch that I've ever heard of! Change it back! It's a bathroom, not a closet. There's not an override button that will leave the light on? Crazy! Just crazy.
Our shop is small, so we have single his n' hers thrones, but those same lights are installed here. I like to call the arm-jerk method, "Heil Hitler en der Shitter."
Jamie-- Dear Lord, push ups?? Scott can never know of this. I can already see how it would spiral out of control. Scott would want push ups for leaving the light on. I would want sit ups for him leaving his dirty socks on the floor. He'd want me to run two blocks for using all of the shampoo. I'd want him to bike a mile for not replacing the toilet paper. We'd be very physically fit, but BITTER....
Sue-- Okay, you KNOW that electrician tidbit will be casually dropped during dinner this evening. Heh. Heh, heh, heh.
Katina-- NotI'm trying to brainstorm just WHEN I should do this. When he's in the shower, perhaps? Any ideas??
Cheryl-- There IS an override switch. However, after years of basking in un-timed light, I don't remember to activate the override switch. This results in my having just enough time to place myself comfortably on the seat and begin my business before the light goes out and I remember once again why my husband deserves it when I flush the toilet while he's in the shower.
Kuj-- You just gave me another argument point to use on Scott! It is against my political beliefs to have to make the one-armed salute. Ergo, our bathroom should be liberated from the switch. I may even have a t-shirt made to wear in silent protest. Ideas for what I should have put on it??
Tshirt Idea:
Nazis don't give a sh**.
Coming down to IL for a family thing Memorial Day via motorcycle. Buy back all those books you sold to the highest bidder and get out one of those USPS boxes I sent you. I mail the gosh-darn thing myself. You gonna be around?
Tell Scott I apologize profusely, but I will not be able to bring him Leinie's Red fresh from the cow. :(
Your going not just for the king, but for his throne, too!
He did this to your READING ROOM?!! (well, MY reading room, anyway.)
Speechless.
S.K.
Trish:
In the shower would be awesome. Though even while he's brushing his teeth would suffice...it just has to be annoying.
Late to comment, but this is one of your funniest posts yet. Laughing out loud! Your posts are such a welcome break from the ed tech ones I read most often. I'm always disappointed when there isn't a new one to brighten my day.
Met Scott yesterday at the conference. What a great guy you married. Kinda sweet that he was unabashedly looking forward to your "date night"!
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