Weenis Envy

I can admit when I’m wrong. (Softly, under my breath, when I am alone in the shower.) Everyone makes mistakes. True, it’s usually other people who make them, but every once in a great while I err. When those rare slip ups do occur, I am willing to admit my transgression. Thus, I offer you the transcript of my texts to and from my sister-in-law (yes, the one with the drinking problem) documenting my faux pas-- trifling though it may be.


TRISH: You can tell your youngest son that his evil scheme? Worked. Josh was bumped in the arm at McDonald’s Playland and announced (loudly, I might add) that his WEENIS was HOT and TINGLY. When I asked him why on Earth he was calling his funny bone a weenis, he said CASEY told him to call it that at your parents’ on Christmas. Tell Casey that his comeuppance is coming and his days are numbered. When he’s not expecting it – BAM!—return of the weenis!

MICHELLE: Casey says he does not remember ever saying that to Josh.

TRISH: I just BET that’s what he said. I’d say that, too, if I was caught corrupting five year olds by my aunt. Josh says it happened while they were wrestling in Grammy’s bedroom. Ask Casey if that setting rings any bells. Huh? Huh?? Does it Casey, 11 year old corrupter of youth??

MICHELLE: Casey says he would never knowingly lead his young, naive cousin astray. Maybe Josh misinterpreted what Casey said?

TRISH: Riiiiiiight…. Josh misinterpreted “WEENIS.” You know what? I’m not buying it. The weenis cometh…and the weenis says CASEY.

MICHELLE: A weenis is actually the skin on your elbow. I’m not kidding. Google it.

TRISH: Michelle, I think this is called "enabling." You are trying to come to Casey's rescue by creating a fake definition. But you're just ignoring the problem in an effort to bail Casey out. Looking the other way won't help the problem. I know because it's what we do when we see you drink.

MICHELLE: No, really. Casey is in the gifted class, you know. Maybe he was just trying to increase his young cousin’s vocabulary.

TRISH: (still unconvinced. Googling.) Damn. It IS a weenis. Why call the wrinkles on the elbow a weenis? That doesn’t make any sense….

MICHELLE: So, is there anything else you want me to ask Casey about?

TRISH: Yes. Ask him if the wrinkly skin on the scrotum is called the elbeenis. By the way, you're still a lush.

MICHELLE: Whatever lets you sleep at night.

TRISH: Enjoy your wine.

MICHELLE: I always do.

Ugh. If this is what motherhood will continue to be like, I may start drinking, too.