Economic Stimulus Package #378

Remember how I am a financial expert? I am—along with everyone else who waxes eloquent about the current state of the U.S.’s economy. In order to assist in righting America’s economic woes, I offer a partial solution: creative taxation.

Here’s the idea: We could begin placing taxes on items or scenarios we would like to see improved in our society. In this way, we can decrease the amount of things we DON’T want while IMPROVING our current financial climate. Before you poke holes in my idea and pee on my parade, consider that there is precedent for my argument: the taxes placed on tobacco products. We can simply take this concept and expand upon it. (Note: This brilliant idea came to me when a green Chevy truck cut me off and then threw trash out of his window, so I can’t take all of the credit.)


Items I Would Like To See Up For Creative Taxation:

People Who Cut Me Off and Then Throw Trash Out Their Window.

People Who Use the Phrase “Back in the Day.” Unless it is evening and one is referring to something that happened during the recent hours of sunlight, there is no use for this phrase.

People who “kidnap” others on Facebook.—Seriously, what is the point??

People Who Use Texting Lingo in Conversations—I understand shortening words when texting, but when we’re speaking? Why?

Acronyms Of Any Kind—I’ve noticed that most meetings I attend are rife with acronyms. I’ve also noticed that most people in these meetings look confused when these acronyms are mentioned, and lean over to ask others around them what these acronyms mean. Then, I’ve noticed many people shrugging their shoulders as if to say “I don’t know what these stupid acronyms mean—just smile and nod.” Pretty soon everyone is smiling and nodding. When the meeting is over, no one knows what happened. Acronyms went the way of the word “paradigm.” They are unnecessarily overused to make things sound important. Please, dispense with acronyms, people…unless you are my boss, in which case I am a BIG fan of the creative acronym! (Please don’t fire me. Please don’t fire me.)

Monotone speaking- If minutes of my life are squandered upon monotone speakers, those speakers should have to pay. Literally. The up side to this is that people will work on their delivery prior to public speaking in order to cut down on their taxes and –viola- we all win! Think how much better morning meetings will become when the presenter uses inflection!

Commercials and Advertisements of Any Sort (particularly the unoriginal variety)—There is a commercial where a bunch of people stand on their rooftops shouting to each other about how much they love some product. (It might be a coffee product, but I can’t be sure. I am too busy gagging at the stupidity of the commercial’s concept.) Dude. We get it. The product will make us want to shout from the rooftops. However, the creators of that commercial should have to pay a tax for such lack of originality.

Addictions —For me, this means that M&M’s would carry an increased tax. I am okay with this. I need some sort of deterrent.

Whining—My sons would be heavily in debt.

People Who Don’t Use Their Turn Signals—Think how smooth morning traffic would be if people weren’t screeching their brakes around you when you make your unexpected turns.

People Who Use Too Much Axe Deodorant Spray—I can’t pass by the men’s locker room without gagging on the smell of body odor and, ironically, Axe. Do we not understand the concept of ANTI-PERSPIRANT?? People, use deodorant PRIOR to working out AND after.

People Who Come to Work Sick and Pass Their Virus to Innocent Coworkers--This one really requires no explanation.

People Who Hold Up Their Finger In Order To Answer Their Cells While in the Middle of Conversations.

People Who Don’t Get Out of Merging Lanes Until the Last Second and Expect Us All to Accommodate Them—You know who you are.

Restaurants who keep people waiting when there are open tables.

Any to add?