Freudian Spam

I am fascinated by the intricacies of personalized advertisements on the web. Apparently some software genius developed these programs that track what we web surfers view. As we blissfully troll through the internet, little software spies run around gathering data about what it is we find interesting and begin to cater to our preferences. Within moments, advertisements are pushed out to us that some program somewhere believes we will find appealing. Looking up new recipes for chocolate chip cookies? Ads for Hersey Chocolate Chips are likely to appear. Doing a little research on Caribbean cruises? You may find yourself reading an ad extolling the virtues of bermuda shorts. Wading through the net for information about remodeling your home? Don’t be surprised if ads for granite countertops start popping up on your screen.

This sort of personalized-interest-analysis isn’t all bad. For example, Amazon tracks the genres of books I tend to purchase and alerts me to new titles that I may enjoy. TiVo tracks the genre of television I tend to watch and suggests shows that cater to people like me. Sure, it’s a little Fahrenheit 451/1984-ish, but some of these suggestions have been helpful.

However, I think there is an attribute of these personalized-interest-profiles that is as yet unrealized: the self-analysis feature. I propose that you can save THOUSANDS in therapy trying to figure out what it is that makes you tick if you simply look at the advertisements headed your way. Thus, if you ever want to take a litmus test of the type of person you are becoming, just take a look at the ads the internet is pushing out at you.

Currently, my ads feature Bare Minerals, Prada, and Rejuvex. I also see quite a few plugs for baby gear and parenting advice. (Apparently something about me has led the internet to believe I deeply need assistance from other parents and that my children are in need of counseling. Well...DUH.). Okay, all those make sense. I guess.

However, I became particularly disturbed when my brother called me to chat while he was taking a look at my latest blog entry. While we were both looking at the same site, the ad I saw on the side of my blog was for pacifiers, while the ad my brother saw was for…(wait for it)…faux leopard print covers for non-lethal electronic stun guns.

Yes, you read that right.

So, what exactly is it about my brother that makes the internet think he may benefit from a tazer cozy? And a leopard print one at that? I know you’re thinking what I’m thinking: Is this something I should tell mom about??

My freak meter spiked for a moment, but then I calmed down once I remembered that I have been receiving spam for penile enlargements ever since I attempted to win the HGTV Dream House in 2006. (Hey, you can’t win if you don’t play. That house had to go to SOMEBODY.) That spam is either spot on (because if I DO have a penis, it very, very much needs enhancing), or there are clearly a few bugs in the personalized-interest-spy-programs.

I’m willing to chalk up my brother’s leopard print stun gun ensemble to a random program glitch. For now. But if he does anything to annoy me, you know I’ll whip out the faux animal hide riot gear and go medieval on him.

You may just want to take a look at your own ads and do a little good natured self analysis. What do your ads say about you?