The Top Ten Surprises of Postpartum: Part Two

There’s nothing worse than being cornered at a Christmas party and being forced to listen to someone’s peculiar medical issues. This conversation always seems to occur at the precise moment after I’ve choosen a shrimp appetizer and before I’ve popped the succulent morsel into my mouth. It is then that some medical experiment on legs chooses to announce the intimate, grisly details of his hair transplant or diatribe about what exactly was removed from his colon. Cocktail party-goers: I don’t want to know about your weeping sores or the strange fungus you picked up at the gym. I don’t want to know about the contents of your freakish cysts or the location of your oddly placed moles. In return for your discretion, I will be careful to censor any potentially gag-inducing details from my own dialogue. Why? Because I care. I’m a giver, what can I say? It is in my nature to do whatever I can to spare you from any potential discomfort. However, I remain true to my determination to shed light on an aspect of new motherhood that is often overlooked. Therefore, I will speak of the next three postpartum surprises in only a general sense. Feel free to keep noshing down on appetizers as you read because this is completely G-rated.

Surprise #4: Going to the bathroom becomes an adventure. There were so many products I had to use to go to the bathroom immediately postpartum that I felt as though I needed to pack a bag and grab my passport when the urge to urinate came upon me. What with the sprays, creams, gels, medicinal wipes and ointments I had to apply, I left the bathroom every time feeling as though there was a sundae in my pants.

Surprise #4B: Going to the bathroom becomes an adventure: The Sequel. The first time you have to accomplish something other than urination is a scary experience. It smarts. Why they don’t keep the epidural in until after that little piece of business is complete, I have no idea.

Surprise #5: Breast milk takes its own sweet time in coming in…no matter how much your baby wants it. You will spend days praying for it to just hurry up and arrive already, and it will show up only when you finally give up hope—much like when you wanted to score a date in your single days and couldn’t…until you already had a date and then men started beating down the door. In my case, I finally gave up and was mixing a bottle of formula when something damp landed on my foot. I immediately looked at the ceiling to see if there was a leak. My husband found me on a chair inspecting the kitchen ceiling for possible cracks as milk soaked my shirt leaving me looking like some obscene version of a wet t-shirt contest.

Surprise #6: Breast milk is the exact same temperature as your body, so you will not feel it escape your breasts until you are thoroughly soaked and caught in a stiff breeze, which explains why I didn’t notice #5 until my husband fell on the floor laughing and pointing.

We are down to our final 3 post-partum surprises. Let's have a contest to see who has the best postpartum surprise contributions. Post your biggest postpartum surprise here. The one with the most humorous contribution gets a signed copy of my book.

The Top Ten Surprises of Postpartum

There are a number of things people don’t tell you about regarding the days immediately following the birth of one’s child. I don’t know why these things are kept secret. I mean, certainly the motivation to keep things quiet is not to grandly surprise the new mother. It’s not as though friends and relatives are planning an event where they will jump out suddenly and bellow, “Surprise! You’ve got Leukorrhea!” and shower you in confetti and feminine pads. It’s sad, really, because these shockers all come at a time when new mothers are at their most hormonally vulnerable. In my ever vigilant quest for the truth (think of me as the Aristotle of postpartum), I will reveal those surprises here. Over the next few days, I will logue The Top Ten Surprises of Postpartum.

Surprise #1: You will leave the hospital still looking pregnant. Not just a little on the chunky side, P-R-E-G-N-A-N-T. I don’t know why, but I somehow assumed that I would be able to toss my battered maternity wear immediately postpartum. Sure, I knew not to expect to fit into my regular clothes, but I thought I might be able to fit into my husband’s regular clothes. This is not the case. For mothers of single births, you will enter the hospital looking as though you are ready to give birth to twins, and you will leave looking as though they left one up inside you. For mothers of multiples, I can only assume this situation will be multiplied by the number of children you are carrying within your womb. This is true of everyone, so there is some comfort in knowing that one is not alone in this dough-like state. I did have one acquaintance who swore she left the hospital wearing her size 5 jeans. Just where on her body she wore those jeans, she did not say. I no longer speak to her—for obvious reasons. There is a special place in hell for people who brag about superior postpartum experiences.

Surprise #2: You will lose your hair. That’s right. YOUR HAIR. Some bizarre rearrangement of hormonal levels results in hair loss for the new mom. This usually occurs quite suddenly and the hair will continue to fall out for weeks. For me, I first noticed it in the shower when a clump came off in my hand. By the time I finished bathing, there was an auburn carpet on the floor of the tub. The bad thing about this is that –well, it’s your hair and it’s falling out. Moreover, this hair loss is sudden and comes at a time when one is most vulnerable about her dramatically changing appearance. I will not lie to you; I am one of those people who never, ever leaves the house without mascara and lipstick on. When it comes to appearance, I CARE. A lot. I mean, you never know when you’re going to run into someone from high school, and then where will you be? I began losing hair at the exact same time that the demands of working and new motherhood meant that I could no longer take regular showers and shave both of my legs at the same time, let alone apply makeup. It was a dark time. Fortunately, my appearance was so changed, if anyone from high school did see me, they would have never recognized me. Apparently, Nature does provide you with some natural protection. This is good because she provides you with precious little else during pregnancy and new motherhood.

Surprise #3: Even when your hair grows back, it will look strange. The hair doesn’t fall out like your great uncle’s, leaving the apex of your skull hairless; it falls out uniformly. This leaves one with thin hair, not with bald patches. I have long layers in my shoulder length hair. When my hormonal levels stabilized and the hair began to grow back, I was left with strange cowlicks and tufts all over my head. This was particularly noticeable around my hairline. I had strange looking “monkey hair,” as I called it, sprouting around my temples and forehead. Mmmmmmm…pretty. Ever notice how new moms cut their hair short in the months following their child’s birth? This is why....